Simmering Soup
by Oregano
Summary: Luke and Jess are forced to spend Christmas at a hated relative's house. A light story, focusing more on dialogue than actual plot. Obviously.


**

SIMMERING SOUP (RE-EDITED)

**  
by Oregano  
  
**EXT. STARS HOLLOW - DAY**  
The town is beautifully decorated with Christmas decor. Rooftops are covered with snow, wreaths and poinsettias are hung all over, and there are some plastic Santa's Elves on the ground. We ZOOM onto a sidewalk to see LORELAI GILMORE and her daughter, RORY GILMORE. They are wearing thick jackets, scarves, and toques. They are on their way to LUKE'S DINER.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Ah, winter. The season for scary and annoying relatives, ugly and unwanted presents, and freak snow accidents.  
  
Lorelai takes a deep breath and spreads her arms out.  
  
**RORY**  
It's nice to know you're into the REAL spirit of Christmas.  
**   
LORELAI**  
I'm a regular Santa Claus, baby.  


  
**INT. LUKE'S DINER – DAY**  
The diner is not very busy tonight. There are only a few people sitting inside, eating quietly. From behind the counter, LUKE DANES looks up and nods at the two newcomers.  
  
**LUKE**  
What can I get you?  
  
Lorelai and Rory take their seats at a nearby table.   
  
**LORELAI**  
Two silos of coffee, my good man, for myself and this young lady.  
  
**RORY**  
This young lady would also appreciate a plate of chili fries, please.  
  
Luke rolls his eyes and grabs two mugs and the coffee pot. He walks over to them and puts the mugs down.  
  
**LUKE**  
Oh, yeah. I'm closing up the Diner for this weekend; so I suggest that you guys stock up on some coffee and some actual food for a few days.  
  
Lorelai is horrified. She shakes her head disbelievingly and gasps.  
  
**LORELAI**  
What? No! Why do you choose to forsake us, Luke Danes? Why? Why would you do that?  
  
Luke remains nonchalant, as if he did not just witness Lorelai's reaction. He continues pouring coffee for them.  
  
**LUKE**  
If you'd stop saying the word, "Why," maybe I can work in my explanation. Jess and I are going to this stupid reunion thing this weekend. I've blown them off for six years in a row and apparently, they're not letting this year slide. They're pretty pissed.   
  
**RORY**  
Oh, Jess is coming too?  
  
**LUKE**  
Yep. He's infuriated as hell. He's never seen or even met these guys and they're dragging him into it. And as much as I enjoy his discomfort, it's scaring my customers.  
  
**LORELAI**  
(waves her hand absently)  
Everything that boy does scares the customers.  
  
**INT. LUKE'S APPARTMENT – THE LIVING ROOM - DAY**  
JESS MARIANO is on the couch, WATCHING TELEVISION. It is an old episode of I LOVE LUCY. He just watches unmoving, while the characters talk. He is obviously in a bad mood. We hear laughter from the television audience from time to time.   
  
A knock on the door makes him look up. The door opens a crack and RORY'S head pops in. Jess looks at her for a second and turns back to the show without further acknowledgement.   
  
**RORY**  
Hey, Jess.  
  
**JESS**  
(not looking up from the television)  
What are you doing here, Rory?  
  
Rory enters.   
  
**RORY**  
(looks around nervously)  
Um, Luke said that you were pretty upset over this whole reunion thing. I came over to see how you're doing.  
  
**JESS**  
(still not looking at her)  
Still alive. Thanks for checking.  
  
**RORY**  
Maybe it won't be that bad, you know.  
  
**JESS**  
Yeah, whatever.  
  
Rory sees that there is nothing more she can do for Jess. She smiles sadly at him and turns to leave.   
  
**RORY**  
Bye, Jess.  
  
When the door closes behind Rory, we see Jess' eyebrows furrow and he gives out a frustrated sigh. The television audience laughs again.

  
  
**EXT. LUKE'S DINER – DAY**  
A big pick-up truck is parked outside. Luke and Jess are heaving their belongings onto the back of the vehicle.  
  
**LUKE**  
Jess, I know this isn't going to be the best weekend ever—  
  
Jess looks at his uncle pointedly and hands him a big bag.  
**   
LUKE**  
(cont'd)  
-- and these aren't the best people to be with –  
  
Jess continues to be silent.  
  
**LUKE**  
(cont'd)  
--I'm not even saying to try to get along with them - because that's more impossible than making you talk right now – I'm just asking that maybe you could stay out of trouble for a few days?  
  
Jess refuses to answer and keeps on giving Luke baggage until there is no more. He sees that Luke is looking at him, waiting for an answer. Jess gives him a glare and walks to the door of the truck.  
  
**JESS**  
(opening the door)  
Let's just go and get this stupid thing over with.  
  
Luke heaves a sigh and walks over to the driver's side of the truck.  
  
**LUKE**  
(muttering)  
I hate Christmas.

  
**   
EXT. DANES MANSION – DAY**  
The pick-up truck stops in front of a humongous lawn area. Behind the green expanse stands a very, very big house that seems to look like a mansion. There are tall white pillars in front of the house and they are all very gaily decorated with Christmas décor. The house itself is surrounded by little shrubbery and tall trees.  
  
Luke and Jess peer out the window.  
  
**LUKE**  
Jesus. This used to be a little house made of plywood and four-by-fours. Now it's like the freaking White House from Hell.  
  
**JESS**  
These people have been quite busy these last six years, then?  
  
After the truck goes around the 'front lawn,' Luke kills the engine and steps out. Jess slowly does the same.  
  
**LUKE**  
God, I feel like I just used up half my tank to get around that Goddamn thing.  
  
The front door suddenly bursts open and a relative rushes towards the two. A very fat, jolly man in a Santa suit (UNCLE HUEY) is the first to reach Luke and Jess.  
  
**UNCLE HUEY**  
Oh-ho-ho-ho! Can these two strangers really be our Luke and Little Jessie?  
  
Uncle Huey walks over to Luke, ready for a hug. Luke scowls and backs away.  
  
**LUKE**  
Huey, if you touch me, I swear, I will strangle you with a wreath.  
**   
UNCLE HUEY**  
Ho-ho-ho-kay! I'll just go and hug THIS guy then!  
  
Uncle Huey turns and makes his way to Jess.  
**   
JESS**  
Strangulation from a wreath will be a BLESSING compared to what I will do to you if you lay ONE finger on me. And it's just 'Jess'. There isn't and never will have an '-ie'.  
  
Through his fake beard, Uncle Huey's eyes widen. He shakes his head dejectedly.   
**   
UNCLE HUEY**  
(whispers)  
Just like Louie; both of you are just like Louie.

  
  
**INT. DANES MANSION – FOYER- DAY**  
We see here that the interior of the mansion is just as elegant as the exterior. There are two large oak tables on each side; picture frames and vases stand on top of them, proudly announcing that the owner of this house was as wealthy as hell; and a very expensive looking carpet lay in the middle of it all, showing the way to the Grand Staircase.  
  
Luke and Jess, carrying their bags, are in awe of it all. Forgetting the scene that happened outside, Uncle Huey rubs his hands together proudly.  
  
**UNCLE HUEY**  
So, what do you think, Luke?  
  
**LUKE**  
Where the hell did you get the money to buy all this?  
  
**UNCLE HUEY**  
Oh, one of my sons, Brad, became this computer specialist. He was able to design some online program thingamajig all by himself and now, he's probably as rich as Bill Gates and Britney Spears combined. Renovated the house for Lola's birthday. Sweet kid.  
**   
LUKE**  
(whispers to Jess)  
But also the biggest nerd to walk the planet.  
  
From inside a hallway, we hear high heels clacking against the tile floor.   
**   
AUNTIE LOLA (O.S.)**  
I'm so glad you boys could come! Luke! Ah… child! Come and give me a kiss!  
  
Auntie Lola appears from the opening of the hallway wearing a Mrs. Claus costume. Luke and Jess share a look and remain where they are.  
  
**LUKE**  
No thanks. And his name's Jess, Lola – Liz's kid.  
  
**AUNTIE LOLA**  
This is LIZ'S kid?! Oh! He's a handsome young devil, isn't he?  
  
**LUKE**  
(obviously faking enthusiasm)   
A regular Warren Beatty.   
(glares at Jess)  
Without the sex issues, I hope.

**JESS**  
(quietly, to Luke)  
You have got to be the biggest dork I've ever met.

**LUKE**   
Hey, Natalie Wood went insane because of you.

**JESS**  
My comment still stands. A little straighter and a little prouder, with that Natalie Wood comment.

  
  
**INT. DANES MANSION – JESS AND LUKE'S ROOM – NIGHT **   
The room looks like a hotel suite. Two single beds are beside each other, with a dresser table in between. An expensive-looking lamp lights up the room. The two have already unpacked. Clothes lay on the bed and hung on the chairs.  
  
Luke and Jess are getting ready for the FIRST MEAL that they are to share with their relatives. Luke is fixing his collar while Jess is buttoning his shirt up.  
  
**LUKE**  
Remember Jess, no trouble, okay? These psychos are still relatives.  
  
Jess does not answer and heads out of the room.

**   
  
INT. DANES MANSION – THE DINING ROOM – NIGHT**  
There is a beautiful scene that welcomes Luke and Jess downstairs. They stand by the hall entrance. We PUSH THROUGH THEIR SHOULDERS to see what they are seeing. A very long dining table is filled with more than forty settings. At one side of the room, a large buffet was positioned. A large crowd of brothers, sisters, fathers, mothers, and in-laws had already gathered. The room is noisy.  
**   
JESS**  
(sarcastic to Luke)  
There's no place like home, is there, Toto?

  
**   
INT. DANES MANSION – THE DINING ROOM – NIGHT (LATER)**  
They are seated and the soup is served.

**LUKE**  
It's the damned Bracebridge Dinner all over again.  
  
**JESS**  
Are you sure we're related to these mooks?  
  
**LUKE**  
(picks out some things off his spoon)  
What is wrong with this soup? Is this asparagus, mushroom or cheese?  
**   
JESS**  
If that old lady looks at me again, I'll…  
  
Before Jess can finish his sentence, a middle-aged woman, AUNT SERENA, cuts him off.  
  
**AUNT SERENA**  
(disbelieving)  
Fat Luke?  
  
Luke's head shoots up. His face is angry and embarrassed. He puts down his spoon and turns to Aunt Serena.  
  
**JESS**  
Is that why you eat so healthy?  
  
**LUKE**  
(ignores Jess)  
Serena.  
**   
AUNT SERENA**  
Aw! It's Fat Luke! Well, you've certainly lost all that fat! So, who is this charming rascal?  
  
**LUKE**  
Liz's son. Jess.  
**   
AUNT SERENA**  
How IS Liz?  
  
**LUKE**  
You mean she's not here?  
  
**AUNT SERENA**  
Hello, young man. How are you? … Oh, Luke, dear, is the poor boy deaf?  
  
Luke glances at Jess and sees him nodding subtly.  
  
**LUKE**  
Ah, yeah. Deaf as a post.

**INT. DANES MANSION – LUKE AND JESS' ROOM – NIGHT**  
Luke and Jess are getting ready for bed.  
**   
JESS**  
I hate these people. One guy's all over curling, keeps bugging me to go and "rub that floor along with him!" and this woman just tried to marry me off to, who, I believe is a first cousin.  
  
**LUKE**  
I think she tried to marry me off to her sixty-year old sister, too. Big hair? Glasses? God-awful dress?  
  
**JESS**  
They're all on medication, aren't they? Why'd you have to bring me here?  
**   
LUKE**  
You know I did everything I could to get out of it.  
  
**JESS**  
Then how come my mom isn't here?  
  
**LUKE**  
I asked Huey, the loser in the Santa get-up; he says that they're all afraid of Liz. After that whole drunken speech she did about how much she hated everyone a few years back, they weren't looking forward to hearing what she had to say this year. And everyone knew she didn't really want to come, so nobody bothered to invite her.  
  
**JESS**  
Well, they should have known that we didn't want to go either.  
  
**LUKE**  
Yes, but they're not afraid of us. They think we're just cranky to be cute. Losers. They still think that we secretly love them. Well I hate them. Openly and secretly. Bastards.  
  
We PAN OVER to Jess, who is quietly thinking. Suddenly, he faces Luke.  
  
**JESS**  
You really hate them?  
  
**LUKE**  
I despise them. I never want to set foot in this house ever again.  
  
**JESS**  
I think I can provide some of my services in that area.  
  
**LUKE**  
I never want to hear that sentence uttered by you ever again.  
  
**JESS**  
Something so harmless yet so diabolical. But I can't have you back out in the middle of it all, Luke. I need you to go all the way for this to work.  
  
Luke hesitates for a moment.  
  
**JESS**  
I'm waiting for an answer, FAT LUKE.  
  
**LUKE**  
I hate that.   
(beat)  
Fine, count me in.

**EXT. DANES MANSION – THE GARDEN – DAY**  
The Danes' Garden seems to be even larger than the front lawn. In the middle of the whole thing is a large open-sided tent. Tables are set up. It's kind of like a wedding reception, but not. There is a larger table meant for the finger foods and beverages. People mix and mingle, talking to one another. At one side of the party, Luke and Jess stand smiling.  
  
**JESS (V.O.)**  
These guys know you and now me as cranky sons of bitches, right? We're crass, we're rude and we basically border along the lines of antisocial. The only thing we can do to freak them out is to act the exact opposite.  
  
UNCLE HUEY walks over to them, beaming.  
  
**UNCLE HUEY**  
You boys seem to be enjoying yourselves! You grouchy-poos probably just needed some rest. Did you enjoy the room? Cost us about half a million for each one.   
  
**LUKE**  
Yes, we did enjoy it, Huey, my man!  
  
**JESS (V.O.)**  
We'll be so damn nice and so damn cute almost to the point of no return. We'll use that as a cover. But we have to be careful. We need to know how each one ticks to be sure how much pressure to apply when pushing their buttons.  
  
While Luke and Huey are talking, we follow Jess as he carefully slips away unnoticed. He makes his way to the punch bowl. His eyes are alert as he reaches into his pocket to produce a small silver FLASK.   
  
**LUKE (V.O.)**  
No problem. Huey turns stark raving mad when he tastes even just a drop of alcohol.   
  
**JESS (V.O.)**  
We'll use vodka then.  
  
**LUKE (V.O.)**  
Since when do you carry vodka?  
  
**JESS (V.O.)**  
Do you want freedom or not?  
  
**LUKE (V.O.)**  
Forget I asked.  
  
Jess opens the FLASK and pours its contents into the bowl. Jess has just spiked the punch.

  
  
**EXT. DANES MANSION – THE GARDEN – DAY (LATER)**  
Uncle Huey is drunk. He is woozy and his speech is slurred. He puts an arm around Luke's shoulders and laughs.  
  
**LUKE (V.O.)**  
Right.   
(beat)  
When he gets drunk, it's like a chain reaction.   
  
**UNCLE HUEY**  
(drunk)  
Do you know who's bad in bed?   
  
People stop talking and turn to look at Drunk Uncle Huey. He points to AUNTIE LOLA. She is hurt and starts to cry.  
  
**UNCLE HUEY**  
(cont'd)  
She's HORRIBLE!  
(laughs)  
  
**LUKE (V.O.)**  
Lola's the sensitive type. Pat her on the back, and she goes flying out the window.  
  
Lola is bawling her eyes out and runs inside the house.  
  
**AUNTIE LOLA**  
I try so hard to please you! All that kinky stuff and you're still not SATISFIED?!  
  
The gathering of people is shocked at the couple's display. Luke drops Huey down on a chair and discreetly walks toward Jess. They share a sly look each take a swig of their drinks.

  
**   
INT. DANES MASION – THE LIVING ROOM – DAY**  
Huey, now sober, has just learned what he had done. He sits on an expensive couch and puts his head in his hands.  
**   
LUKE (V.O.)**  
Huey is also a rampant homophobe.   
  
Jess comes inside and sits beside him. He looks at Huey lovingly and starts to caress his arm.  
  
**JESS**  
Hey, Uncle Huey. Are you all right? I'm really sorry.  
  
**UNCLE HUEY**  
(smiles a bit)  
It isn't your fault, my boy.  
  
Jess leans closer to Huey and looks at him expressively.  
**   
JESS**  
Even so. Maybe I can make it up to you…  
  
**UNCLE HUEY**  
What the… OH! Oh, Lord Almighty! I, ah, I, um… I have to go…  
  
Uncle Huey stands and starts to walk away.  
  
**JESS**  
(singsong)  
Hurry back!  
  
Uncle Huey breaks into a RUN.

**INT. DANES HOUSE – LUKE AND JESS' ROOM – DAY**  
The door is open. From the door, we move onto the inside of the room. Jess is on the bed, reading and Luke is sitting on the sofa, watching a baseball game.  
  
A LITTLE BOY appears from the doorway. He looks at Jess intently.   
  
Jess looks up from his book and growls at the kid. He boy freezes for a moment and then backs out of the room. Once he is out of sight, we hear him running away.  
  
**LITTLE BOY (O.C.)**  
MOM! Gay Cousin Jess growled at me!  
  
**LUKE**  
News of your new sexual identity spread around the house like wildfire this morning.  
  
**JESS**  
It would seem so.  
  
**LUKE**  
I guess that you were quite the actor.  
  
**JESS**  
Deserved an Oscar, if I may say so myself.  
(beat)   
I'm ready for my second role. Are you?  
  
Luke turns off the television and faces Jess.

  
**   
INT. DANES MANSION – THE LIVING ROOM – DAY**  
Everyone is gathered around the Danes' Christmas Tree. Luke and Jess are sitting side by side. We see that there seems to be a three-foot radius around the two of them.   
  
**AUNT SERENA**  
Okay you guys! Time for the presents!  
  
Luke coughs. This is the signal that Jess has been waiting for.  
  
**JESS**  
Galu-ga-gaaaah!  
  
Jess suddenly breaks into SPASMS. He jerks around and his mouth is gurgling with saliva.   
  
Luke suddenly stands and panics.  
  
**LUKE**  
His Epilepsy is attacking again!  
  
**AUNT SERENA**  
Epilepsy?  
  
**LUKE**  
Yes! It was from all the crack Liz took when she was pregnant with Jess! Someone give me a hand!  
  
The three-foot radius becomes wider.  
  
**AUNT SERENA**  
He's deaf and epileptic?   
  
**LUKE**  
Ah, crap! Someone hand me a tissue! Yes, he is. Damn rabies!  
**   
AUNT SERENA**  
Rabies?!  
  
**LUKE**  
Yeah, he got bit by a dog when he was seven. Dammit! Keep still!  
  
Aunt Serena's eyes roll to the back of her skull and she faints. Everyone else just stands there without moving. Jess gives out a loud growl and falls to the floor, and seizures even more.  
  
Everyone sees this and runs away screaming. When the living room is all cleared out, Jess wipes his mouth and stands.   
  
**JESS**  
A beautiful performance.  
  
**LUKE**  
I agree.

  
  
**MONTAGE:  
  
EXT. DANES MANSION – FRONT DOOR – DAY**  
A seemingly drunken Luke waltzes over to a man with glasses (BRAD). He puts his arms around him and talks, from what looks like it, about Jess.  
  
Brad looks horrified.  
  
**   
INT. DANES MANSION – LUKE AND JESS' ROOM – NIGHT**  
Luke and Jess are talking. Jess takes out a small notebook and starts to write notes. He looks like he is telling Luke what to do. Luke nods.  
  
**   
EXT. DANES MANSION – THE LIVING ROOM – DAY**  
Jess is walking over to the Christmas tree. He meets the same LITTLE BOY. He sneers at him.  
  
The boy runs away yet again.  
**   
  
INT. DANES MANSION – LUKE AND JESS' ROOM – NIGHT**  
Luke is talking and makes some sort of gesture. He points to the notebook and looks at Jess expectantly.  
  
Jess furrows his brow and thinks for a moment; then, he nods.  
  
**   
INT. DANES MANSION – THE FOYER – DAY**  
Jess is playing with the vases in the foyer. He tosses them up and down but doesn't catch one and it shatters to the ground. More vases fall to the floor from the momentary distraction. He slowly walks away.  
  
Brad walks into the scene whistling. Uncle Huey then comes down from the Grand Staircase and yells at Brad. Uncle Huey thinks Brad broke the vases.  
  
**END MONTAGE.**  
  
**   
INT. DANES MANSION – HALLWAY – DAY**  
Luke and Jess look on as UCLE HUEY screams his head off.  
  
**JESS**  
Mission completed?  
  
**LUKE**  
Hell, yeah.

  
  
**EXT. DANES MANSION – FRONT DOOR – DAY**  
Luke and Jess are getting ready to go home. They take all their bags and pile up behind the pick-up truck. We see that the relatives just stand there, not helping. They are all obviously afraid of Luke and Jess.  
  
**LUKE**  
You know what, you guys? I really had a ton of fun this weekend.   
  
**JESS**  
Yeah. Me too.  
  
Uncle Huey just forces a smile and nods.  
  
**UNCLE HUEY**  
We're, ah, all glad you boys came this year. R-really brightened up the season.  
  
**LUKE**  
So, next year ag—  
  
**UNCLE HUEY**  
NO! Ah, I mean, I don't think we'll be having a get-together next year.   
(beat)  
Saving up some money, you know. Lola and I still have little Tommy to put through college…  
  
Jess smirks and Luke bites his lip.  
  
**LUKE**  
Oh. Too bad then. Well, Tommy comes first, I guess.  
  
**JESS**  
Give me a hug, Uncle Huey!  
  
**UNCLE HUEY**  
AAK! No thank you, my boy. My, ah, my hands are all dirty from all that, er, gardening…  
  
**JESS**  
But you didn't—  
  
**UNCLE HUEY**  
Goodbye!  
  
Uncle Huey runs towards the door and slams it shut without a second glance.  
  
Luke gives Jess the thumbs-up sign and gets into the driver's seat.  
  
**LUKE**  
Pure genius, kid. Absolute genius.  
  
**JESS**  
I would like to thank my agent and all the little people who have made this possible.

  
**   
EXT. STARS HOLLOW – SIDEWALK – DAY**  
Lorelai and Rory are sitting on the curb across Luke's Diner.   
  
**LORELAI**  
So… what time are they coming back again?  
  
**RORY**  
I don't think they're ever coming back.  
  
Lorelai sighs and bows her head.   
  
A familiar truck pulls over in front of the Diner. Lorelai and Rory jump to their feet and casually walk to it. Luke gets out of the truck.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Oh! Fancy running into you, um, Mr. Danes, was it?  
  
**LUKE**  
Hello, Lorelai.  
**   
LORELAI**  
Don't you own this quaint little diner over here? I hear that the coffee here is superb. Might I try a sample cup?   
(beat)  
Not that I've been deprived of it for a whole weekend. It's not like I pass by everyday I hopes of seeing your 'Closed' sign magically turn over to become an 'Open' sign. It's not like I've plotted to throw a brick at your wonderful little window over there and steal your coffee. It's not like I sit—  
  
**LUKE**  
Oh, my God. Lorelai, shut up. I will go and make your coffee.  
**   
LORELAI**  
Right now?  
  
**LUKE**  
After I unload—  
  
**LORELAI**  
Really? You'd leave all this stuff just to make coffee? Right now? For me?  
  
**LUKE  
**No, I said—  
  
**LORELAI**  
Because it's not like I'm in a—  
  
**LUKE**  
Jesus.  
  
We follow Luke as he stalks into the diner with Lorelai following him. Before they get to the door, Luke stops.  
  
A plastic Christmas elf happily sits in front of the door.  
  
Luke glares at it.  
  
**LUKE**  
What the hell is this? Is this some sort of joke?  
  
**LORELAI**  
No, um, Taylor put it there a few days ago. He said that "with Luke gone for a few days, I'll put this here so it seems like he's into the whole spirit of Christmas."  
  
Luke kicks it to the side angrily. The elf flies into the air like a soccer ball.  
**   
LORELAI**  
(looks where the elf lands OC)  
Three points for the team.

**   
  
EXT. STARS HOLLOW – LUKE'S DINER – DAY**  
Jess is unloading the truck all by himself since Luke has deserted him for Lorelai and her coffee. Rory comes over and helps him out.  
  
**RORY**  
So, how was it?  
  
**JESS**  
Hell. Inferno.   
  
**RORY**  
You mean you didn't have the slightest bit of fun?  
  
**JESS**  
Nope. Actually, those people made me understand why arsonists and murderers do what they do.  
**   
RORY**  
It was that bad?  
  
Rory sees a tiny smile playing around Jess' lips.  
**   
RORY**  
You had fun.  
  
**JESS**  
What? No! I told you, it was hell! What else do you want me to say?  
  
**RORY**  
You are smiling, mister. You SO had fun. Admit it!  
  
**JESS**  
I will not because I had no fun whatsoever!  
  
**RORY**  
You are a stinking liar, Jess.  
  
**JESS**  
Huh. People say I'm a great actor, though.  
  
**RORY**  
Something happened, didn't there?  
  
**JESS**  
I will say this slowly: nooothiiing haaapeeened.  
  
**RORY**  
Well, you seem to be in a good mood though. That's a good sign.  
  
**JESS**  
Why?  
  
**RORY**  
Because…  
(beat)  
Because it's nice to see you happy.  
  
**JESS**  
Why do you care so much that I be happy?  
  
**RORY **   
I don't!  
  
Jess gives her a knowing smile and carries two bags into the diner.  
  
**RORY**  
(cont'd)  
I DON'T!

**INT. STARS HOLLOW – LUKE'S DINER – DAY**  
We follow Jess inside. We pass Luke, who is already making the coffee while Lorelai sits by the counter.   
  
**JESS**  
Hey, maybe a little help with this will do you good, huh? A little exercise will keep all that cellulite in your thighs at bay, FAT LUKE.  
  
Jess continues on up into the apartment.  
  
Luke looks towards where Jess has gone and twists his mouth.  
  
**LUKE**  
You should talk, Gay Cousin Jess!  
(chuckles to himself)  
  
Luke faces the Gilmores, smiling at first, then he suddenly becomes embarrassed.   
  
We PAN OVER to Lorelai with a confused look and Rory with a curious smile. Luke nervously points to the bags outside.  
  
**LUKE**  
Um, I'm just gonna go get those…  
  
**END.**  



End file.
